Who Needs Friends?

Why you should read this book.
I discovered that men suck at relationships with other men in Gail Sheehy’s Understanding Men’s Passages in 1999. Andrew McCarthy has written a contemporary update to Sheehy’s work.

McCarthy drives 9,759 miles, mostly on back roads across 22 states, to reconnect with good friends, Seve, Matthew, Eddie, John, and Don. Along the way, he talks with strangers who share wisdom, vulnerability, insight, and challenges about connecting with other men.

McCarthy’s quest to reconnect begins with his son Sam. “You don’t really have any friends, do you, Dad?” McCarthy replies, “I have friends, Sam. I just don’t see them, but I know they’re there. And that’s enough.” Sam hit a nerve, and his comment stayed with McCarthy, leading him to ask himself: What had actually happened to his friendships? Were they still there? Did he even want them or need them? What did he get from them? What did he have to offer them? How did friendships affect his place in the world? What did he value? What mattered? These questions form the foundation of McCarthy’s quest to rediscover the value of male friendship.

As I read Who Needs Friends, I started asking myself questions based on his interactions with friends and strangers.

From page 5, I pondered if there were silent disappointments in my friendships. Was there friendship atrophy in my life? With whom?

From page 28, who gives me a long lead to vent and purge? McCarthy shares research that it takes over 200 hours to make a good friend. How many men have I given 200+ hours to? Friendship requires consistency. Have I been consistent?

On page 43, the author notes that with age comes increased awareness of life’s unpredictability and precariousness. On page 168, McCarthy comes back to this topic, writing that getting older is like being in a life raft surrounded by death. Again, I found myself nodding in agreement

On pages 48-49, there is discussion of guys distrusting each other. They may say words, but not show emotion. Does being vulnerable in front of a guy feel wrong? Personally, I find myself tearing up and showing emotion with male friends as I get older.

While McCarthy is in Elkins, W.VA., pages 52-53, he does some research on men’s friendship data:
– 24% of men have no friends.
– 15% report having no close friends.
– 79% of Gen Z and 71% of Millennial males confess to being lonely.
– Less than 50% are satisfied with how many friends they have.
– 1 in 5 males report having emotional support from a friend in the prior week.
– There is a 50% elevated risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease from not having friendships.
– 21% increase in heart disease from not having friendships.
– 32% increased chance of stroke due to poor social relationships.

These statistics are troubling! Do any of them resonate with you?

I thought about Nietzsche’s quote on page 55, “Love is blind, friendship closes its eyes.” Then I thought of Aristotle’s quote on page 57: “Differences between friends most frequently arise when the nature of the friendship is not what they think it is.” I nodded in agreement as I reflected on it.

On pages 68-69, McCarthy meets Lew and Bobby in Brookville, OH. Both are married, yet consider each other soulmates and regularly tell each other, “I love you” (no kissing!). Besides my partner of 46 years, I can think of a couple of men who are soulmates. They listen, ask thought-provoking questions, are open books, show up for each other, aren’t afraid to be vulnerable, don’t let their imperfections, mistakes, and failures define them, have big hearts, and laugh a lot together!

On page 117, I wondered: “Have Google and A.I. replaced the elder?

I have to agree with William Faulkner: “I never learned much by talking.” Page 124

On page 164, I pondered ‘foundational relationships,’ relationships that have gone the distance. Deep trust and honesty are fortified by ‘psychological safety and bravery.’ Communication is founded on active listening without judgment. Conflicts are healthy and non-threatening. There is no control or comments like, “You should…” They share values and beliefs, along with loyalty, truth-telling, patience, forgiveness, and humor. There is unconditional love. They recognize something in someone else that reflects something about themselves. These are people you know deeply and identify with.

Periodically, McCarthy’s conversations would focus on the differences between men and women in relationships. Women seem to check in on relationships regularly, asking, “How are we doing?” Unlike men, women don’t feel the need to compete. For women, ambition can kill a friendship. Women listen differently and talk differently. Conversations among women have more tangents. Their relationships promote growth.

On page 193, McCarthy visits Wink, TX, to visit the Roy Orbison Museum. Orbison is the loneliest man in rock and roll! Was Orbison’s frailty his greatest asset? Did his vulnerability foster sensitivity? Was it a strength?

Throughout Who Needs Friends, I found McCarthy spontaneous, adaptable, compassionate, patient, and curious in his travels and conversations. I’d enjoy riding shotgun and talking with him.

Could Who Needs Friends change your life?
I believe this book could change your life! Go back to McCarthy’s interaction with his son Sam. How do your friends experience you? Could there be a better experience? What could you do to create better friendships?

Bottom line
Loneliness is an epidemic, a widespread public health crisis highlighted by the Department of Health and Human Services. Loneliness threatens our well-being and quality of life. McCarthy drew on his own experience to write about it. Perhaps he will inspire you to take action!