Burnout + Conflict + Not Feeling Valued = Quiet Quitting?

Quiet Quitting: the practice of doing the minimum amount of work required for one’s job. – Merriam-Webster

Quiet quitting became a term in 2022 to describe employees who met job requirements and quit going beyond those requirements. They are graded as “C” employees.

I have gained insight on this topic from coaching clients. Quiet quitting is about unspoken boundaries, a lack of feeling valued, dissatisfaction, resentment, and burnout. I have learned quiet quitting is subtle, masked, inconspicuous, and even cunning. Quiet quitting includes not speaking up in meetings or gatherings, not offering opinions, or not volunteering for things like United Way campaigns. Quiet quitters took more personal days. In the 2026 Gallup State of the Global Workplace, employee engagement fell to 20%. This may offer evidence of quiet quitting.

Last fall, Monica Corcoran Harel wrote the article for New York Magazine’s The Cut, “The Women Quietly Quitting Their Husbands.” I read it, pondered it, and discussed it with my partner of 46 years. The Oprah Podcast recently revisited this article with two therapists who specialize in relationships, along with an audience of women who identified with quitting their husbands.

Frustration over unequal household work, poor child support, feeling unappreciated and shortchanged contributes to quiet quitting in a marriage. There was a failure to have hard, difficult conversations about feelings, needs, and wants. These women felt that didn’t seem to matter to their significant other. Women remain in the marriage to avoid the stress and strain of finances and raising children. They choose to live separate and autonomous lives while staying under one roof.

John and Julie Gottman, marriage and relationship subject-matter experts, can tell within a very short time of interviewing a couple whether the marriage has quiet quitting and is doomed to failure if they see the “four horsemen”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I believe the “four horsemen” show up in quiet quitting at work, with family, and with friends.

Mel Robbins, in her bestseller, The Let Them Theory, offers insight into quiet quitting. Her three pillars of connection include physical closeness and shared routines. When these change, quiet quitting may occur. Life stages are another pillar of disconnect in our relationships. Those with children versus empty nesters create disconnection and quiet quitting. The third pillar of disconnection and quiet quitting is the lack of feelings and numbness toward others. Robbins promotes: Let me accept people for who they are. Robbins suggests: Don’t take the drift, flake, or exclusion personally. Give up trying to control them, stop chasing them, and stop trying to imitate connection. Quiet-quit them!

While relationships of all kinds with different people, including family, friends, neighbors, clients, and cohorts, are a gift, I am guilty of quiet quitting. I quiet-quit for my personal well-being.

I have quiet-quit relationships with those whose core values do not align with mine. Being Christian Nationalists, Islamophobic, racist, misogynistic, unjust, and homophobic, bring on quiet quitting. I find these behaviors to be judgmental, lacking curiosity, and critical thinking. I am conflict avoidant with them for self-preservation. They are conflict avoidant unwilling to perspective-take.

I have quiet-quit relationships where I no longer trusted the individual. I no longer experienced the trust components of sincerity, reliability, competence, and/or compassion.

I have quiet-quit a relationship where I hurt an individual, expressed my apology stating the facts of the situation, why I had acted the way I had (I did not justify my behavior), how I felt their pain I caused, and how I was changing my behavior so I did not do this again. Their response was that they felt my apology was made-up, rehearsed, insincere, and not from the heart.

I have quiet-quit relationships where the individual was focused on being interesting rather than interested. They dominated the conversation. Actually, the conversations were more like a monologue rather than a dialogue. Ego prevailed, and humility was thin.

I have quiet-quit relationships with poor or no reciprocity. A failure of a mutual give-and-take exchange. I was part of a group where I realized I was doing a majority of the work in getting us together. Except for one person, others did not reciprocate.

I have quiet-quit relationships marked by a lack of emotional intelligence, including poor self-awareness, poor self-management, a lack of empathy for others’ feelings, a focus on success rather than significance, and a disregard for relationship management.

How about you? Where and who have quiet-quit? Do you want to quiet-quit me?

Have You Read Theo of Golden?

Theo of Golden by Allen Levi

I am old-school when it comes to reading. I love real published books, not ebooks or digital books. I love the feel, the smell, the break from screens, and the connection to words on paper. A couple of admissions concerning books I read. I read far more non-fiction than fiction. I usually need to hear about a book three times from three different sources, on three different occasions, before it gets on my “to-read” list. Books become friends as I write in them, highlight, and Post-It note key thoughts.

I learned of Theo of Golden from many sources, many times, and on many occasions. It didn’t make it to my “to-read” list; I stopped what I was reading (Brené Brown’s Strong Ground) and started reading Theo of Golden. While Theo of Golden is fiction, it became non-fiction for me. Theo’s story reveals pain, sorrow, grief, and trauma; it also reveals joy, playfulness, and love. Theo is Dos Equis’ “most interesting man in the world.” Some say Theo of Golden reads like a Hallmark movie. Theo reminds me of Ted Lasso!

When I read fiction, I just read. When I read non-fiction, I stop and ponder. I found myself continuously stopping to read Theo of Golden and ponder, marinate, and breathe.

Who is Theo? Why did Theo come to Golden, GA? He has the gift of getting others to share their stories. What is Theo’s story? This is the mystery throughout the book, and here is what you learn about Theo as you read:
Theo is spiritual.
Theo has no ego. He is humble.
Theo is patient.
Theo is extremely observant.
Theo is trustworthy and extends trust to others unconditionally and without second thought.
Theo is a subject-matter expert on sadness, the universal affliction.
Theo has a broken heart. He does not seek revenge. He does not hold grudges.
Theo is a giver, not a grabber. He is generous not just with his resources, but with the time he gives to others.
Theo is a foodie, coffee, and port snob! He experiences great food, wonderful coffee, port, and good whiskey as fertile ground for connection with others.
Theo believes in the power, the beauty, and the need for handwritten snail mail notes.
Theo does not like small talk. He goes deep in conversations with care, sincerity, and compassion.
Theo is addicted to curiosity. He is always a student. Theo is a verbivore. He possesses wisdom from the art of living.
Theo has the highest skill level of listening, listening for what is not said. When he asks a question, his response is to ask another question.

What are your thoughts on this list of Theo’s attributes? Any you disagree with? Are there any attributes you would add? Which of Theo’s attributes do you possess? Which of these attributes do you wish you possessed?

Theo encounters and interacts with many different personalities, including: young and old, male and female, various ethnicities, educated and uneducated, various levels of economic income, and able-bodied and able-bodied challenged. What is Theo like with the diversity? How does your diversity and inclusiveness compare to Theo’s?

Consider Theo’s interaction with Kendrick, Lamisha, and Maria Mendez. Is Theo a white savior? (A white savior is a white person who steps in to rescue, help, or uplift non-white people.) What is your reaction? Do you know of someone who has been a white savior? Have you been a white savior?

On page 24, Derrick meets with Asher. He shares about a court case he is trying of a man who crossed the center line and killed a woman and badly injured a little girl (we later discover it is Lamisha). Derrick refers to the driver, “He’s an illegal.” What is your reaction to this? What is the difference between illegal and immigrant? Which term do you use to describe people who enter the United States? Does your heritage, your legacy, your lineage include immigrants or illegals? Theo of Golden draws on Bible scripture, attending St. James, and Father Lundy; is “illegal” contrary to Leviticus 19:34 and Matthew 25:34-36?

Trust is a major theme in the book. Minnette and her husband, Derrick, wrestle with her meeting and trusting Theo. Page 20. Trust is an issue with Mrs. Gidley, Mr. Ponder’s assistant, on page 62. Trust is an issue with Kendrick on page 79. Ellen distrusts Theo on page 140. Trust comes up throughout the book. Everything begins with trust, especially in relationships. How do you define trust? Who do you trust? How do you come to trust another person? Are you trustworthy? What is your evidence?

Houseless Ellen befriends Theo, who gifts her with her pencil charcoal portrait by Asher, and has a Holy Spirit moment at St. James when she comes to worship with Theo. She brings Nobel Invention into the sanctuary and meets resistance. Page 153.
What was your reaction to this scene? If you are a member of a faith community, how would your faith community react to Ellen? How would you react to this situation?

Tony, Verbivore Bookstore owner, seems to have a different personality when he is with others versus when he is one-on-one with Theo. Why do you think this happens? Are you different one-on-one versus with a group?

Theo invites Tony, the bookshop owner, over for dinner. The dinner is prepared by Chef Bouchard of Theo’s favorite restaurant, The Canto. Mia, Chef’s beautiful young assistant, plates the food and serves Theo and Tony. Tony says to Theo, after she leaves them, “Now, Theo, she is what you call an appetizer.” Page 270. What are your thoughts and reactions to Tony’s remark? Theo said nothing. If you were sitting at the table with Theo and Tony, what would you have said?

Theo’s listening ability to others is incredible. What makes a great listener? What are the skills needed to be a fifth-level listener – listening for what isn’t said? Who do you know matches Theo’s listening ability? How do your listening skills compare to Theo’s?

Love is another theme in Theo of Golden. Theo defines “good”: “For anything to be good, truly good, there must be love in it.” It is love from the heart that brings “good” into a world filled with cruelty, brokenness, and fear. And that love flows from one to another as we give it away – a “bestowal” of kindness, friendship, and generosity. What is your reaction to this? What is truly good in your life? How does love show up in your life? What is the opposite of love?

It’s interesting to read other reviews of Theo of Golden. Some feel Theo of Golden is like comfort food; others enjoy Theo’s relationships with others; there is the human goodness, deep listening, the power of feeling seen, and appreciation for the spiritual. From the negative reviews, someone called Theo of Golden the Applebee’s of literature. Some feel there is a lack of narrative tension, and then there was too much repetitive gift-giving and response. Some are turned off by the racism undertones and patriarchy.

This is why I like and recommend reading Theo of Golden. Theo is a role model for knowing one’s core values, living those core values, and holding yourself responsible and accountable to those core values. Theo points out that it is never too late to discover your purpose and to live on purpose. Theo reminds me that the universal connection among us is pain. No one escapes pain. He also reminds me that our mistakes, our failures, our imperfections do not define us. He expounds on Bryan Stevenson’s quote, “Each of us is more than the worst thing we have ever done.” Theo reminds me to be curious rather than judgmental; that the greatest gift we can give is our time with others; to just be there, not fix people, but let them know they matter, they are seen, they make a difference, and they are not alone.