We get phone calls and emails from friends, friends of friends, clients, and blog readers who say, “We are coming to Asheville. What do you recommend?” We have so many choices and so little time! Click on Asheville for a link to a map of downtown Asheville.

I began this blog back in September 2015 and I update as we experience more of Asheville and Western North Carolina. For example, today we had lunch at Mother Bakery, Wine Shop, and Cafe. I had the most incredible egg salad sandwich ever!

Click on this link to get updates on where to go, what to drink, what to eat, and where to stay in the Asheville area!

I have benefited from having coaches, mentors, sponsors, and therapists. These people have helped my development and growth. They have led me to “pay it forward” to become a mentor and leadership coach. While mentoring has no time limit, coaching does have a limit. The question is, “When do you stop needing a coach?”

Whenever I begin coaching a client, we spend the first session getting to know one another. We see if we can dance with one another without stepping on toes. We seek to see if the vibe between us works.

It is important to be clear on the client’s desired outcomes. My coaching focuses on helping clients develop skills to improve performance, increase effectiveness, and raise emotional intelligence. These are fundamental behaviors for good leadership. Perhaps there is a desired behavior change of overcoming a bad habit with a new habit. While some coaches seek a successful outcome with better efficiencies, I seek to help the coaching client to be more effective by being more significant with others, which impacts their ability to lead themselves and others. After all, leadership is about relationships.

Early in the process, I do a SWOT where clients acknowledge their strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. Discovering opportunities and threats can help with developing needed skills. I help clients to imagine they will be on the front cover of Today’s Leader magazine three years from today. What will be the headline? What will be the significant accomplishments, notable quotes, and key learnings? I ask the client to project their legacy and the future they wish to create.

When does coaching reach its end?

Every one of us is a continual work in progress dealing with our imperfections, warts, scars, mistakes, and failures. When we reach a state of loving ourselves just as we are, accepting our imperfections, having a good practice of self-compassion, and can laugh at ourselves, perhaps it’s time to stop coaching. Confidence has been achieved.

Good coaching sessions have a flow where conversations go deep, challenge thinking, and create AHAs! When those conversations no longer happen, that may be a sign that coaching has run its course. At the heart of coaching are the questions that get asked. When the coaching client can ask themselves better questions than I am asking, coaching is no longer needed.

One size fits one. – Tom Peters

There is also a need to end coaching when the client is no longer committed to doing the work they need to do. I usually send a pre-work email to clients on issues to discuss and give them homework assignments to help them prepare for the upcoming discussion. It’s time to stop coaching when the client doesn’t do the pre-work and gives excuses.

There are some skills I am very good at in coaching others. There are other skill sets I am not good at. If the coaching client could use a coach with stronger skill sets in an area I am weak, I refer them. I am not everyone’s cup of tea, but I am that shot of whiskey for some!

If coaching discussion moves from discussing skills to issues around unhealthy relationships (i.e., marriage), regulating emotions (i.e., anger management), unhealthy coping skills (i.e., addictions), processing a traumatic event (i.e., PTSD), or mental illness, I recommend the client find a therapist.

What has led to you telling a coach, “Thank you! I no longer need you.”

What has led a coach to tell you, “I don’t think you need my coaching any longer.”

One of the key conversations in my coaching work around finding a new position or career is about networking. How well does my client network with others? Networking is not what you know, it’s who you know. Who you know is key to creating a better future.

“The key to networking is to stop networking. Nobody wants to have a ‘networking conversation.’ They are hungry for real conversations and real relationships. It just has to be authentic, genuine, and sincere.” 

                                                                          – Greg McKeown, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less

What networkers don’t tell you, is that networking is like your smartphone – a source of distractions! You have to know what to avoid and focus on what is truly essential.

Your overall goal in networking is to be significant to those you meet. What value do you bring to the conversation? What is the value of knowing you? Your title, your status, and your success are about you, do nothing for those you meet.

Here are seven fundamental rules for effective networking.

First rule – is dress so as not to draw attention to your appearance, but to the conversation, you wish to have with others. This also means fresh breath, a warm smile, eye contact, and a good handshake!

Second rule – when you enter the gathering space, don’t wait to be found, go find! This may be a challenge for some introverts!

Third rule – have a crisp, professionally printed business card on high-quality thick card stock with your key contact information and some tagline that summarizes your purpose and hints at the value you may bring to your card’s recipient. Your business card is your one-of-a-kind miniature billboard. It helps create that positive first impression. It needs to be simple, clean, and easy to read. If you can’t get this info on one side of a business card, get help! There is lots of white space for my contact to jot down information.

Fourth rule – have plenty of business cards ready to hand out at all times. I always have cards in the chest pocket of my sport coat or suit. Extra business cards are in my business card case in my sport coat pocket as well as my billfold and briefcase…even more in the glove compartment of my car! Be prepared.

Fifth rule – If you have a drink, keep the drink in your left hand so your right hand is ready to shake hands (as well as not cold and wet!) Networking is not about telling, it’s all about asking and truly listening with good follow-up questions. This is at the heart of a real conversation and the beginning of a relationship. It is about being interested rather than interesting. People you come in contact with don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Great networkers ask great questions. The questions can be more important than the answers!

If someone shares something, refrain from telling your story on top of theirs. AND make sure you don’t try to one-up or compete with their story! Be secure in yourself. Ask another question about what they have just shared. And by all means, make sure your body language is in sync with your questions! There is nothing worse than asking a question as your eyes stray across the room!

A few of my favorite networking questions are:
– What has surprised or intrigued you about this gathering? Followed up with, That’s interesting! Tell me more!
– What are you expecting from being at this gathering? (This may be an opportunity to help make this happen!) Followed up with, That’s interesting! Tell me more!
– Who would you like to connect with here at this gathering? (You may be their connection and can help them out!) Followed up with, That’s interesting! Tell me more!
– What are you looking forward to doing or seeing? (Another opportunity for you to help make this happen!) Followed up with, That’s interesting! Tell me more!
– What has your interest and attention been on the Internet or what you are reading? Followed up with, ‘That’s interesting! Tell me more!’

Notice that none of these questions are:                                                                                                                                                                     – What do you do for a living?
– How long have you been at __________?
– How long have you lived in __________?
– Do you know _________? He/she works in HR at your company.
– “I’m looking to ______________. Who do you know that I should be talking to?”

If the “What do you do for a living?” question pops out of your mouth (after all, we are creatures of habit!) follow it up with, “Wow, that sounds interesting!” or “Wow, that sounds hard!” or “Wow, that sounds amazing!” or Wow, that sounds awesome!” or “Wow, that sounds edgy!” This response shows you are interested and can get the person to share more.

Sixth rule – ask for a business card. Jot down the date and keywords about this connection.

Seventh rule – follow up with those you meet at the gathering, immediately. I recommend a handwritten, snail mail note with your business card telling the person you’d like to continue the conversation over coffee or tea. Then follow up with a phone call or email to make an appointment roughly 4 to 5 business days later.

Are there other networking behaviors you would add and recommend?

* This is an updated blog I posted in June 2015.

This is one of my favorite questions to ask others. The responses are interesting. Then there is the follow-up question, “Why would you be that age?”

“There is a certain part of all of us that lives outside of time.” – Milan Kundera, Immortality

Traded navy blue blazer, oxford button-down shirt, tie, pleated cuffed trousers, Cole Hahn loafers, and briefcase for this!

While I am completely at peace with my current age and enjoy it, if pressed, I would respond, “47.”

At 47, I began climbing my second mountain. I began living my eulogy rather than my resume. I left the corporate world and took a position with Camp Joy in organizational and leadership development. I got out of my comfort zones. I was finally living my purpose full time, “Helping individuals and groups to learn to “seize the day” leading to reduced ignorance and suffering and to enhance living.”  This was the foundation of creating nurturing, inclusive communities. Relationships became more important. Family reunions were a joy. Being a part of a men’s small group that discussed issues other than work, politics, sports, and the weather helped me deal with my blind spots. I learned to be vulnerable and realized I was not the only one who experienced pain.

At 47, my marriage was in its 20th year and continuing to evolve in love, with one child in their teens and another not too far from becoming a teenager. My health was the best it had ever been, with great physicals and regular exercise. I was up on high rope courses, regularly facilitating groups from Procter and Gamble, Fifth Third Bank, and Cincinnati Childrens Hospital and Medical Center, to name a few.

I studied leadership in detail and read life-changing books like The Leadership Challenge, Fish Philosophy, and Tuesdays with Morrie.

There were life-changing and enduring relationships with adjuncts Lynn Watts, Scott Steel, Sarah Brown, Otis Williams, and Steve Coats. They continue to make a difference in my life today.

I traded meeting rooms for outdoor firepits.

I was no longer surprised to hear participants tell me they learned more about themselves and their cohorts in 2 days than they had in the past 5 years!

Many times I ended workshops and programs at Camp Joy by reading this passage from Michael Eisner’s Camp:

“Camp is one of America’s ultimate communal dwellings, a shared experience, and an anchor of stories that campers young and old exchange far from our camps, long after we’ve spent our last night in a tent or cabin. Camp is a laboratory of safe danger, and the science practiced in this lab will never be outdated. It’s God and humans teaming up to provide nature’s ultimate playground, where survival in the woods becomes an exercise in training for life’s real-world, man-made challenges; where young people (and old people) can develop their physical and natural skills while also maturing and growing socially.”

At 47, I began being a better version of myself. As you reflect on your version of How Old Would You Be If You Didn’t Know How Old You Are? when did you start becoming a better version of yourself?